The Explosive Child by Ross W. Greene

Author:Ross W. Greene
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: HarperCollins Publisher
Published: 2013-03-10T16:00:00+00:00

9

GOT QUESTIONS?

We’ve covered a lot of territory up to this point. And while many of your questions about solving problems collaboratively may already have been answered, it’s possible many more have arisen. So this seems like a good time to pause and answer some additional questions that often come up.

QUESTION: If I’m using Plan B, how will my child be held accountable—you know, take responsibility—for his actions?

ANSWER: For too many people, the phrases “hold the child accountable” and “make him take responsibility” are really codes for “punishment.” And as you read in Chapter 5, many people believe that if the punishments a child has already received for his challenging episodes haven’t put an end to the episodes, it must be because the punishments didn’t cause the child enough pain. So they add more pain. In my experience, behaviorally challenging kids have had more pain added to their lives than most people experience in a lifetime. If pain were going to work, it would have worked a long time ago. If a kid is putting his concerns on the table, taking yours into account, and working collaboratively toward a solution that works for both of you—and if therefore the frequency and intensity of challenging episodes are being reduced—then he’s most assuredly being held accountable and taking responsibility for his actions.

QUESTION: So I can still set limits?

ANSWER: Remember, you’re setting limits whether you’re using Plan A or Plan B. With Plan A you’re setting limits by imposing your will. You’re also slamming the door on understanding and addressing your kid’s concerns, increasing the likelihood of adversarial interactions, plowing ahead with uninformed solutions, not solving problems durably, and not teaching skills. With Plan B, you’re setting limits by learning about what’s getting in your child’s way, working together on solutions that are realistic and mutually satisfactory, solving problems durably, (indirectly) teaching your child the skills he’s lacking (and perhaps learning some new skills yourself), solving problems durably, and decreasing adversarial interactions. The hardest thing about setting limits using Plan B is becoming good at it.

QUESTION: Does Plan B make it clear to my child that I disapprove of his behavior?

ANSWER: Yes. He’ll be crystal clear about your disapproval when you articulate your concerns in the Define the Problem step. It’s also worth pointing out that a lot of the behavior you disapprove of occurs when you’re using Plan A. If you stop relying on Plan A and are proactively solving problems with Plan B, much of the challenging behavior that goes along with Plan A will subside as well.

QUESTION: What about the real world? What if my kid has a “Plan A” boss someday?

ANSWER: A Plan A boss is a problem to be solved. How does your child learn to solve problems? Plan B. Which skill set is more important for life in the real world: the blind adherence to authority taught through Plan A, or identifying and articulating one’s concerns, taking others’ concerns into account, and working toward solutions that are realistic

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